One of the concepts that I explore in great depth in my book Amplify Your Orgasm is how fear and desire are deeply interconnected. In order to learn to use desire as a compass in our lives, whether it be in the bedroom, in our relationships, or even in our career, we must learn to confront fear as it often appears as an obstacle to following our true desires and allowing them to manifest into a life aligned with our higher purpose.
This blog article will explore fear in the context of our intimate relationships and sex lives. First, I will help you get in touch with the sensation of fear in your body so that you can learn to identify fear when it surfaces to get in your way. Next, we will take a look at examples of fight, flight, and freeze responses to fear. Then, we will explore some common types of fear that commonly appear to negatively affect our relationships and ability to experience sexual pleasure.
Fear is Rooted in the Body
One of the first things to notice about the emotional state of fear is that it is rooted in the body through a series of hormonal and neural chain reactions in response to a perceived threat or “trigger,” often registered in the subconscious mind. In fact, biological indicators such as neurochemicals, heart rate, and breath rate can be used to measure the effect of fear on the physical body.
In addition, you can understand fear as a series of sensations that you may experience when you are frightened. These specific sensations may feel differently depending on the individual.
Take a moment to get in touch with how your body feels in terms of sensations by getting quiet and then taking your mind to a memory in which you experienced fear. As you remember the details of this memory, try to get in touch with the sensations your body was experiencing. Do a little journaling to make note of some of the sensations your body tends to produce when you are experiencing this emotional state.
Here are a few examples of some sensations that might be part of your experience of fear:
- Increased heart rate, or a sense that your heart is pounding in your chest
- The ability to suddenly hear your heart beats
- The sensation of the hair on your arms or the back of your neck standing up
- Tenseness in the chest or diaphragm
- Heaviness in the body or body feeling contracted
- Certain parts of the body feeling suffocated or unable to move /respond
- Feeling stuck in the moments of those thoughts which at the bodily level could feel like losing ground (becoming ungrounded)
Since fear is experienced in terms of a matter of degree, tuning in to what your body feels in an extreme state of fear or panic will help you to learn when fear is present in your body, but less intense. With practice, this kind of body awareness about the sensation of fear can become a major tool in terms of helping you identify when fear may be coming into your path as an obstacle to fulfilling your true desires in life.
Fear Responses: Fight, Flight, or Freeze
As an evolutionary response to the survival situations our ancestors lived in, fear when experienced in the extreme can lead to three typical responses: Fight, flight, or freeze. Depending on your life experiences and the specificity of the trigger you are experiencing, any one of these responses may happen.
Example of a Fight Response:
You and your romantic partner are having a discussion about the finances. His hobby has become a major financial drain on your lives. With past due bills showing up in the mail, you begin to feel that your long term security is being threatened by your partner’s behavior. In response, you choose to fight, starting a major argument about his hobby using accusatory and inflammatory language.
Example of a Flight Response:
Lately you have been feeling very insecure about your body after gaining a few pounds over the holidays. You fear that you may no longer be sexually attractive to your partner. In response, you find that you are not as receptive to their sexual advances, find yourself wearing clothes that you believe “hide” your body to make you feel safe from this fear of judgement, and ultimately begin to withdraw from your sexual relationship with your partner.
Example of a Freeze Response:
Many survivors of sexual trauma experience a freeze response when triggered by something that connects them to their cellular memory of the original trauma. This can manifest as a freeze response where the body literally tenses up, shuts down the sensations in the body to the point of numbness, and may become a significant and debilitating barrier to enjoying sexual pleasure of any kind.
Types of Fear Related to Sex and Orgasm
In my In my Deep Dive Desire Life Coaching, I help clients address and confront the fears that are keeping them from exploring their desires and thus keeping them from living the lives they truly desire and fulfilling their life’s purpose.
Time and time again I see these common types of fear popping up in ways that erode a couple’s intimacy, sense of emotional safety, ability to be vulnerable, and indeed, access to the kind of sexual pleasure and excitement their relationship once had:
- Fear of Lack of Attractiveness
- Shame (Fear of Judgement)
- Fear of Inadequacy
- Fear of Abandonment or Loss of Self
- Fear of Losing Control
- Fear of Pain
In my book, Amplify Your Orgasm, we explore each of these types of common fears and offer solutions for how to begin to confront and release these fears in order to enhance your ability to experience sexual pleasure, deeper intimacy with your partner, and indeed, Amplified Orgasm.
Confronting Fear on the Path of Amplified Orgasm
Since fear is rooted in the body, and often trapped energetically in the sexual organs and energetic pathways of the body, it can be a major block towards experiencing sexual pleasure. In my Bodywork sessions, I help clients identify and release stored emotion such as fear, shame, and other negative emotions that become stuck in the body.
Only by confronting and releasing our fear can we live a life full of purpose that takes us in the direction of fulfilling our true desires. I hope that this article has encouraged you to begin to identifying your fears so that more nourishing relationships and deeper experiences of sexual intimacy and pleasure are in your future!